I find myself struggling everyday about life and this has gotten worse in the past few days/weeks…
I don’t know if this is a trend but whenever something
new [read:good ] happens in my life, I question it thinking I’m not worthy of it. Am I the only one that gets embarrassed when complimented? I always seem to find a way to put myself down right after. Or I think the compliments are insincere.
Nobody believes I’m shy and sometimes I cannot tell if this is because of self esteem because I do have a huge ego. I can get outspoken and I have this facade that I show to everyone but nobody sees the real me. I am that girl that lays on her bed and think about when last she’s cried. If it has been too long, I find a reason to cry or sometimes I just cry because I feel I ought to.
I have read somewhere that the name a parent gives a child has an impacts on the child’s life. I was named after one of the many
unfortunate persons from the bible, Ruth. I’ve read the Book of Ruth several times and I still can’t find how the name relates except she wasn’t dealt a good hand by life. Does this mean I am doomed to be sad? My mother was going to name me Elizabeth; would that have made my life better? Can I change my name like Jacob to Isreal?
I try to live a life with little care in the world but am I really depressed within? I feel ungrateful typing this post because life has been great recently: I have a
new job, new place and redefined friendships. Yet I ask myself, what’s the catch? I keep waiting for the ball to drop. This may trace back to when I became a teenager and my perspective of life, love and family changed. I though I forgave all that…why can’t I forget? how to I forget? when would I forget? will I ever forget?
I used to think about suicide when I was in high school. I got interested in biology because I wanted to know how the body works and the fasted way to get it offline. I loved chemistry mainly to learn the right composition to make lethal chemicals. I hate biology now and I don’t learn about chemicals anymore. I now think it is selfish of me to end my life without living it. I want to live a fulfilled life where I get to enjoy the finer things of life without questioning it. Is that ever going to happen?
I grew up religious (Christian) but along the way I lost my faith in God and started questioning everything I knew from my childhood. In the past five years, I have tried several times to find my way back but how do I find my way when I don’t know
or trust where I’m heading? I have a kindled fire that I neglect till it starts to turn to ash and when there’s just the right mix to kill the fire, I soothe it till its a raging fire again. I am sure if I want to stop this cycle but it makes me unable to connect to Him or anyone on a deeper level.
I don’t know if this is a cry for help but I could use a cry right now…