General, Personal

Demons

I find myself struggling everyday about life and this has gotten worse in the past few days/weeks…

I don’t know if this is a trend but whenever something new [read:good] happens in my life,  I question it thinking I’m not worthy of it. Am I the only one that gets embarrassed when complimented? I always seem to find a way to put myself down right after. Or I think the compliments are insincere.

Nobody believes I’m shy and sometimes I cannot tell if this is because of self esteem because I do have a huge ego. I can get outspoken and I have this facade that I show to everyone but nobody sees the real me. I am that girl that lays on her bed and think about when last she’s cried. If it has been too long, I find a reason to cry or sometimes I just cry because I feel I ought to.

I have read somewhere that the name a parent gives a child has an impacts on the child’s life. I was named after one of the many unfortunate persons from the bible, Ruth. I’ve read the Book of Ruth several times and I still can’t find how the name relates except she wasn’t dealt a good hand by life. Does this mean I am doomed to be sad? My mother was going to name me Elizabeth; would that have made my life better? Can I change my name like Jacob to Isreal?

I try to live a life with little care in the world but am I really depressed within? I feel ungrateful typing this post because life has been great recently: I have a new job, new place and redefined friendships. Yet I ask myself, what’s the catch? I keep waiting for the ball to drop. This may trace back to when I became a teenager and my perspective of life, love and family changed. I though I forgave all that…why can’t I forget? how to I forget? when would I forget? will I ever forget?

I used to think about suicide when I was in high school. I got interested in biology because I wanted to know how the body works and the fasted way to get it offline. I loved chemistry mainly to learn the right composition to make lethal chemicals. I hate biology now and I don’t learn about chemicals anymore. I now think it is selfish of me to end my life without living it. I want to live a fulfilled life where I get to enjoy the finer things of life without questioning it. Is that ever going to happen?

I grew up religious (Christian) but along the way I lost my faith in God and started questioning everything I knew from my childhood. In the past five years, I have tried several times to find my way back but how do I find my way when I don’t know or trust where I’m heading? I have a kindled fire that I neglect till it starts to turn to ash and when there’s just the right mix to kill the fire, I soothe it till its a raging fire again. I am sure if I want to stop this cycle but it makes me unable to connect to Him or anyone on a deeper level.

“… I should be loyal to the nightmare of my choice.”
Joseph ConradHeart of Darkness

I don’t know if this is a cry for help but I could use a cry right now…

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2 thoughts on “Demons

  1. The shy mentalist says:

    It’s okay to question the authenticity in every situation you find yourself. It is also okay to question your belief systems ( it is all part of self awareness, i’d like to say that your brain is “evolving”).
    You are questioning your abilities and if you are worth the gifts you have, it might be that you are a bit overwhelmed by everything and you need a “time out”. You should try not to think too much and focus more on the now instead of the “what will happen next?” that alone can drive you insane.
    You cannot run away from your demons though, but you can control or tame them.
    As for your spirituality, i think that’s a personal journey you have to embark on. Whatever you find, i trust it will be for you best interest ( it is okay to question your beliefs, it is not like you grew up with the choice to either be a christian, muslim,atheist or pagan. Now that you’re an adult, it is time to leave your parents shadow and decide what you want to believe in). xx

    • I was just about to delete the post when I got notified about your comment.
      Thanks 🙂 Very often I think my mind would dry me insane. I wish there was an easy way to control/tame the demons.
      I’m slowly defining my beliefs now.
      Thanks once again, this made me feel better.

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