Mad Woman, Bad Woman

Today is the first day in long time since I’ve been out. I don’t know what day it is, judging from the weather I’ll say it’s between August and October. I think it’s still 2013; while it feels like eternity, I know they won’t lock me up for years. As I take in the fresh air, it feels coarse and I fear my lungs ability to perform. Last time I was out, the floors were white and nature was playing a trick on us with a sunny cold winter.

I’ve been living in this sanatorium since March; that I can remember to the failure of my doctors. They have all tried to make me forget or tell me to forget even if they never would. I see it in my mother’s eyes when she comes to see me. I know I have failed everyone but her I failed the most which is why I’ve refused to see anyone but my mother. I wish I could make things right by her.

I want to say what happens but I am afraid of the details. I keep a journal which no one knows of and every time I write about that day, the details always change. Even the dreams I have are different although they always start and end the same. Do not tell about my dream, it’s my private world; in it I do a better job at saving her but she still dies.

When Nadia barged into my room to tell me Dee was on the roof and threatening to jump, I laughed. Why would Nadia talk about it? Dee is like the boy who cries wolf and everyone is scared of the one time the wolf will eat him. Not completely willing, I got up and made my way to the roof.


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