Drafts, Personal

Drafts is a new series I am starting which is basically sharing old personal draft posts (as-is) that I have no intention of finishing and may no longer be relevant but I still feel the need to share. I will be putting them under the tag drafts.

For my first Drafts post, I will be sharing something I wrote a few months ago (not sure the exact date anymore). As I read it today, I felt greatly disturbed and wanted to talk to the past me that wrote it but that might result in a rip in the space-time continuum; more importantly, I don’t have a Tardis!


Recently, I’ve been thinking about suicide again. The last time was almost 10 years ago in high school.

My alarm goes off at 5:30 am and I sigh wondering what I have to live for. I wonder why I am getting up, taking an shower, getting dressed and driving to work. I have a long drive ahead of me (~1.5 hrs) and I fantasize about getting into an accident and not surviving. The next 8 hours at work are spent trying to stay out of my mind as I work. Depending on the day, I have to leave for night classes. I question myself for spending time learning more when death isn’t so far. After class, I tired and I force myself to sleep so I don’t have to argue with myself.

A few years ago, I wondered why i ever thought of suicide; how selfish can I be? Now I realize that sometimes, it is not about people and what they think or feel; it is about my and my struggles with myself.

Putting the label depression on how I feel gives me some control over my situation but I cannot fix it. Prescription drugs will not be a bad way to die and I’ll rather die than talk about my struggles with someone. I do not know when it happened but I realize that I cannot establish a deep connection with anyone.

This is not a cry for help! There are times I give myself a glimmer of hope by letting some things out. This is my way of trying to heal myself slowly; maybe by opening up to nobody, I can help save myself.

I want to be free! Is that too much to ask? In death, I can be free even if for a short while. I will finally shut my voices down and release the burden of bottled up situations. Dying is my way of taking ultimate control over my mind.

The constant struggle between letting myself give up and telling myself to live for one more day. Am I really living? I spend most of my day sitting and staring at a computer screen everyday.

One day, my eyes would not open again and my body will be lifeless. Whether that is of my own doing or natural, I relish and look forward to that day. Until then, I will struggle by living to fight another day.


That’s all folks!

Next Time on Drafts: If I remember correctly I started composing the draft while I was in transit. It contains rules that are essential for a Friends with Benefits (FwB) relationship.

Drafts: On depression and suicide

Aside
Challenges, General, Happyness, Personal, Women

8 Things Every Happy Woman Should Have

Dragging this out of my drafts…

Veering off my 100 things that make me happy because I saw this post on here that led me here.

A go-to drink.

White Wine

A go-to Karaoke song. 

my friend had karaoke for her birthday recently where I butchered L-O-V-E by Nat King Cole with my horrible voice that cannot carry a tune.
A uniform.

Tee + Denim is a staple

A hair stylist they love. 

I got to Curl Bar and I’ve had my hair done by all three women and I am in love. I am totally confident that I’ve found the one place I can go to and always leave satisfied with my wallet feeling lighter than I want as they’re worth it.
An exercise routine. 

I bike in the summer and I like to think that's the only form of exercise I can stand

I bike in the summer and I like to think that’s the only form of exercise I can stand

A hobby.  

I love taking pictures. I always strive to take pictures in manual mode

I love taking pictures. I always strive to take pictures in manual mode

 A best friend. 

I like to think the people I surround myself with are the best friends I could possibly have or wish for at the moment.
 A healthy sense of self.

I may be crazy but all the best people are

I try to remind myself to celebrate who I am daily which may explain why I would randomly burst into a dance at odd moments

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Personal

Off for a while…

Life gets… busy, complicated, noisy…

unplugI have a lot on my mind and on my plate now; constantly questioning myself thus I feel the need to air out my mind. I’ll be staying off all social networks except maybe Twitter (though I may let go of that as well). I will only be accessible via email or phone. I do not know how long this will last but I need my space.

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Challenges, General, Inspirational, Personal

Finding purpose and heroes

I’ve spent my life wanting to be someone else and trying to shape myself into who I am not. I’ve also attempted to spend my life being who others expect of me. One thing I am slowly learning in all this is how much of a colossal failure I’ve become. By neglecting who I am truly meant to be, I have become of gumbo of different characters that I sometimes hate to look at in the mirror.

This past year, I like to think I have achieved feats in personal development. While I am still not the person I want to look at in the mirror and be proud, I am on the journey to being that child with a curious outlook of life and great disregard for distracting paths. Continue reading

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Challenges, General, Monetary, Personal

Mint Tablet

I was going to bed last night and I decided I just had to blog about money management because I was proud on how much restraint I showed.

A few weeks back, my bf was telling me to get a tablet because I have a unhealthy habit of ordering books from Chapters Indigo. To expand on that due to their new mobile app, free delivery for orders over $25 and I get great deals not buying in store; I always order a lot more books that I’ve finished reading.

As I pondered on getting a tablet, I posed a question on Facebook about making a choice between an iPad mini, a Nexus 7 or a Kobo. While I was leaning towards an iPad mini because I have an Apple ecosystem, I was curious about getting an Android device – it would be my first – and my mother loved her Kobo tablet. I decided to get a tablet only when I had the money – saved up – for it.

Continue reading

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Challenges, General, Inspirational, Personal

Creative Amethyst

I was at the ROM this past Sunday for the very first time. I’ve always admired the building (which I learnt is actually 3 buildings) and I’ve gone f0r a talk with one of their top photographer but this past Sunday, I went it. I took a tour of the great pieces in the museum. The penultimate piece the group was shown was an amethyst geode cut out for us to see the amethyst. Interestingly, our guide told us a folklore of how the purple quartz was formed.

Amethyst was a young virgin who became the object of wrath of the Greek God Dionysus after he became intoxicated. The Goddess Diana  helped immediately turned the girl into a white, shimmering stone (quartz). When Dionysus realized what had happened and felt remorse for his actions, his tears dripped into his goblet of wine. The goblet overturned, and the wine spilled all over the white rock, saturating it until it became the purple quartz that is now known as Amethyst.

Amethyst is the birthstone for those born in the month of February; if months were persons I can picture February as a young virgin who died before her time. It seems like it was just yesterday that 2014 started and the month is almost over. I am glad that I on track with most of my plans and resolutions and I’ve got so much to look forward to this year! I am almost done with my Paleo diet and while it was a bit challenging, I thought it would be nice to have monthly challenges.

February is my creativity kick starting month and I aim to do all of the 29 Ways to stay creative (see video below). I realize that there are only 28 days in the year so I plan to cross off one or more of the 29 ways each day and hopefully increase how many I do daily.

P.S. See next page for lists and follow progress as I cross them off.

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General, Personal

BHIF: Lately

My last post was around Thanksgiving. There is quite a bit that has happened since then. In no specific order:

  • I watched 2 movies; The Butler and Gravity. Those were heart moving movies and I almost cried while watching the butler; there can never be enough movies to explain all the troubles colored people went through. Which reminds me about the trailer for Monument Men I saw while waiting for Gravity to start; there’s never enough movies to explain the Nazi regime. I do not know if I appreciate Gravity more because I had no idea what it was about, or because George Clooney (huge crush alert!) was in it or because it was an amazing story line; I think all of the above.

  • I went to watch my first football game at the Rogers Centre and it was amazing. The Toronto Argos played very well plus it was a Pink event (raising awareness of all women cancers). The Rogers Centre is also home to the Toronto Blue Jays which is our baseball team. During the 3rd quarter when I went to get my free refill, I saw the mini hat (pic above) and made my friend buy me ice-cream just so i could get the Blue Jays hat-like bowl/cup.
  • Work had been going on great; sometimes busy but I love it. I get to learn so much and not to brag but I have amazing co-workers. There’s this thing at work where we call someone the latest wrongly written (auto correct included) or pronounced version of their name. I am trying to make myself an exception because with a name like ‘Tofunmi’, Tofu isn’t so far off and I hoped I was done with being called that in high school. So I’m using Liam Neeson’s Taken like “[If you call me Tofu] … I’ll find you and I’ll kill you”.
  • I’ve got a Halloween party to go for and I’ve spent the past weeks trying to figure out what to go as. A friend suggested Lady Godiva as a joke and I’m really biased towards being a superhero (I was hoping for Ironman and I currently can’t pull off being Rogue). I’ve never really taken part in Halloween because I feel I should know better considering the history but then I really want to have an experience of Halloween; I am almost torn. This remind of daily lives of Christians when we sin even when we know shouldn’t; good griefs we have an amazing Father.
  • I went to a Janelle Monae concert this past weekend; it was awesome! I was a bit sad that I got there late because I was going around talking about getting there super early so I can stand in-front and breathe the air coming out of her nostrils. I was still close to the front just not close enough; I didn’t even get to touch her when we was crowd-surfing. She is an amazing artist and a dramatic performer. LONG LIVE ANDROIDS*
  • I’ve not been taking pictures as much as I told myself to 😦 Speaking on photography, I’m volunteering for this amazing group (Chase Toronto). Most nights I moonlight as a website developer and I have lots of changes to make to the site but that’s going steadily. If you do have a comment about changes i could make, let me know (Pls be my unpaid testers and check for ‘bugs’).
  • I am back on BBM. I can complain about Blackberry to the moon but deep down I still love them plus it’s a Canadian company so I can’t hate. I think BBM trumps WhatsApp and iMessage (let’s not even mention the limitations of SMS/MMS). Getting BBM reminds me of what I don’t like so much: I connect with an old friend, we chat a lot during the first few moments after the connection has been made after which they just because a name on my list. It remind me on how much I suck at close communications which is weird cause I claim to be great with social media.

I’m done writing. Till next time…

* – not the phone

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