Where do we go?

Today I finally got the courage and told him.

“…I’ve cheated on you”

For the few seconds it took him to say something, I went to hell and back several times. I was trying to come up with a backup strategy; I’ll tell him I was joking and was trying to elicit a response from him. Why did I not think this through? I don’t want this relationship to end. I care for him too much to let him go.

He said “What did you do?”

I had no intentions of telling him the truth. I do not think he would like hearing me talk about how I went to the other guy’s place before I came to his place. He wouldn’t want to hear that the night I was moody and won’t let him touch me, when he though he did something wrong and kept trying to make it up to me was the night I cheated on him.

“It was a few weeks ago, sketchy on the date but we were not in a good place then… it meant nothing”

That wasn’t entirely a lie; more like a white lie since I only omitted a few things. We really weren’t in a good place as we were in a cycle of arguing and making up. I really don’t remember the date but I remember everything that happened that day and it was about 3-4 weeks ago…

He just said something. “That’s okay. I forgive you just don’t do it again”.

I got up from where I was seated, gave him a kiss and cuddled up to him.

“I’ll make it up to you. I’m sorry”

We went back to watching the movie but I am no longer interested in watching it but I smile and laugh when appropriate.

Where do we go from here?


Mad Woman, Bad Woman

Today is the first day in long time since I’ve been out. I don’t know what day it is, judging from the weather I’ll say it’s between August and October. I think it’s still 2013; while it feels like eternity, I know they won’t lock me up for years. As I take in the fresh air, it feels coarse and I fear my lungs ability to perform. Last time I was out, the floors were white and nature was playing a trick on us with a sunny cold winter.

I’ve been living in this sanatorium since March; that I can remember to the failure of my doctors. They have all tried to make me forget or tell me to forget even if they never would. I see it in my mother’s eyes when she comes to see me. I know I have failed everyone but her I failed the most which is why I’ve refused to see anyone but my mother. I wish I could make things right by her.

I want to say what happens but I am afraid of the details. I keep a journal which no one knows of and every time I write about that day, the details always change. Even the dreams I have are different although they always start and end the same. Do not tell about my dream, it’s my private world; in it I do a better job at saving her but she still dies.

When Nadia barged into my room to tell me Dee was on the roof and threatening to jump, I laughed. Why would Nadia talk about it? Dee is like the boy who cries wolf and everyone is scared of the one time the wolf will eat him. Not completely willing, I got up and made my way to the roof.

General, Prose

Unofficial tour guide

Six Months Ago.

It had been a while since she last went on Twitter online. Navigating through her page, she noticed an increase in her followers so she went to Interactions to check who her new followers were.

Dare Goke followed you

Squinting at the tiny avatar showing, she tried to make out the picture. The words left her mouth before she remembered she was in the library’s quiet zone “Dare? Is this the same Dare Goke I grew up in the same neighborhood with?”. She looked around the room and was met by “evil eyes” from the people who were now distracted from their reading by her voice.

Looking back at her computer she clicks on this avatar, leading to his profile. Clicking on the follow button, she proceeds to send him a Direct Message

hi stranger. fancy finding you here.

She had hoped to receive a reply instantly considering his last tweet was just a min ago. Disappointed, she exited Twitter on her laptop and went back to her research paper. Her topic was Ethical Issues in My Sister’s Keeper which she had randomly picked but was now too lazy to watch the movie or read the book. Here she was at the library hoping to fill the paper with enough ethical jargon using few examples of what she read from Wikipedia. She isn’t here to be distracted by Dare, her one time neighbor, crush, friend, best friend, lover…

General, Prose


A year and a half ago.

“I like gummy bears…a lot”

She smiled. That is such a weird thing to say when you first meet someone. Before she could stop herself she replied “I like shortbread…it will be the death of me”

He smiled. Well it wasn’t really a smile, it was a half-smile but it counts.


Her head was on his chest like a perfect fit. He interrupted her thoughts and started kissing her playfully till she smiled.

“Ah! there it is! That amazing smile” He said which made her blush. He liked it when she blushed. She never knew how to accept a compliment, she always got flustered. Initially he couldn’t understand why she underestimated herself; that was the only valid explanation for why she got flustered when complimented.

Six months ago.

“Let’s have sex and stay friends” She said as she walked into his place. She loved coming over to his place. It was really big, he stayed alone and she envied that.

He was stunned. She was never one for open declarations. A year of knowing her and she still acted shy around him so this surprised him.

“I like you and I know you like me. We aren’t one for relationships.”

That was how it started. They were perfect for each other in a weird way. Their being physical didn’t change much about their friendship. But today it was all ending.

She met someone who kept trying to go out with her and the guy won because tonight was going to be their first date. As she told him about this guy, he tried not to flinch for the fear of showing any emotion that indicated that this past few months he had cared more about her everyday.

She kissed him good bye on the cheeks and took one last look at his apartment. This was going probably going to be her last time here. They had agreed to break all contact with each other. As she walked out of his building, she kept wishing he had asked her not go on the date because she cared more for him.

General, Prose


Coffee Shop Guy by Thomas de Cárdenas
Coffee Shop Guy, a photo by Thomas de Cárdenas on Flickr.

Today was his third day here and even though he kept denying it, he kept coming back because of her. This wasn’t his third time at the coffee shop but three days ago when he saw her, he knew he was going to keep coming back. Why? That what he still can’t figure out.

The first day.

She spoke to him but only when he was leaving. The thing was he has ignored her without realizing. As he walked to the cashier picking up a bottle of juice absentminded and armed with his Passbook app open he heard her say the words.

“You have finally decided to come to me…are you just getting a juice”

He suddenly forgot what he was worried about and looked up. With a short laugh he replied smiling “I didn’t mean to. I already had a coffee and I am leaving. A bottle of juice is all I need to get me home”. She scanned his phone but said nothing else so he added “Maybe next time, I will get more than just juice. Have a good night”