Drafts, Personal

Drafts is a new series I am starting which is basically sharing old personal draft posts (as-is) that I have no intention of finishing and may no longer be relevant but I still feel the need to share. I will be putting them under the tag drafts.

For my first Drafts post, I will be sharing something I wrote a few months ago (not sure the exact date anymore). As I read it today, I felt greatly disturbed and wanted to talk to the past me that wrote it but that might result in a rip in the space-time continuum; more importantly, I don’t have a Tardis!

Recently, I’ve been thinking about suicide again. The last time was almost 10 years ago in high school.

My alarm goes off at 5:30 am and I sigh wondering what I have to live for. I wonder why I am getting up, taking an shower, getting dressed and driving to work. I have a long drive ahead of me (~1.5 hrs) and I fantasize about getting into an accident and not surviving. The next 8 hours at work are spent trying to stay out of my mind as I work. Depending on the day, I have to leave for night classes. I question myself for spending time learning more when death isn’t so far. After class, I tired and I force myself to sleep so I don’t have to argue with myself.

A few years ago, I wondered why i ever thought of suicide; how selfish can I be? Now I realize that sometimes, it is not about people and what they think or feel; it is about my and my struggles with myself.

Putting the label depression on how I feel gives me some control over my situation but I cannot fix it. Prescription drugs will not be a bad way to die and I’ll rather die than talk about my struggles with someone. I do not know when it happened but I realize that I cannot establish a deep connection with anyone.

This is not a cry for help! There are times I give myself a glimmer of hope by letting some things out. This is my way of trying to heal myself slowly; maybe by opening up to nobody, I can help save myself.

I want to be free! Is that too much to ask? In death, I can be free even if for a short while. I will finally shut my voices down and release the burden of bottled up situations. Dying is my way of taking ultimate control over my mind.

The constant struggle between letting myself give up and telling myself to live for one more day. Am I really living? I spend most of my day sitting and staring at a computer screen everyday.

One day, my eyes would not open again and my body will be lifeless. Whether that is of my own doing or natural, I relish and look forward to that day. Until then, I will struggle by living to fight another day.

That’s all folks!

Next Time on Drafts: If I remember correctly I started composing the draft while I was in transit. It contains rules that are essential for a Friends with Benefits (FwB) relationship.

Drafts: On depression and suicide