Drafts, Personal

Drafts is a new series I am starting which is basically sharing old personal draft posts (as-is) that I have no intention of finishing and may no longer be relevant but I still feel the need to share. I will be putting them under the tag drafts.

For my first Drafts post, I will be sharing something I wrote a few months ago (not sure the exact date anymore). As I read it today, I felt greatly disturbed and wanted to talk to the past me that wrote it but that might result in a rip in the space-time continuum; more importantly, I don’t have a Tardis!


Recently, I’ve been thinking about suicide again. The last time was almost 10 years ago in high school.

My alarm goes off at 5:30 am and I sigh wondering what I have to live for. I wonder why I am getting up, taking an shower, getting dressed and driving to work. I have a long drive ahead of me (~1.5 hrs) and I fantasize about getting into an accident and not surviving. The next 8 hours at work are spent trying to stay out of my mind as I work. Depending on the day, I have to leave for night classes. I question myself for spending time learning more when death isn’t so far. After class, I tired and I force myself to sleep so I don’t have to argue with myself.

A few years ago, I wondered why i ever thought of suicide; how selfish can I be? Now I realize that sometimes, it is not about people and what they think or feel; it is about my and my struggles with myself.

Putting the label depression on how I feel gives me some control over my situation but I cannot fix it. Prescription drugs will not be a bad way to die and I’ll rather die than talk about my struggles with someone. I do not know when it happened but I realize that I cannot establish a deep connection with anyone.

This is not a cry for help! There are times I give myself a glimmer of hope by letting some things out. This is my way of trying to heal myself slowly; maybe by opening up to nobody, I can help save myself.

I want to be free! Is that too much to ask? In death, I can be free even if for a short while. I will finally shut my voices down and release the burden of bottled up situations. Dying is my way of taking ultimate control over my mind.

The constant struggle between letting myself give up and telling myself to live for one more day. Am I really living? I spend most of my day sitting and staring at a computer screen everyday.

One day, my eyes would not open again and my body will be lifeless. Whether that is of my own doing or natural, I relish and look forward to that day. Until then, I will struggle by living to fight another day.


That’s all folks!

Next Time on Drafts: If I remember correctly I started composing the draft while I was in transit. It contains rules that are essential for a Friends with Benefits (FwB) relationship.

Drafts: On depression and suicide

Aside
Prose

Where do we go?

Today I finally got the courage and told him.

“…I’ve cheated on you”

For the few seconds it took him to say something, I went to hell and back several times. I was trying to come up with a backup strategy; I’ll tell him I was joking and was trying to elicit a response from him. Why did I not think this through? I don’t want this relationship to end. I care for him too much to let him go.

He said “What did you do?”

I had no intentions of telling him the truth. I do not think he would like hearing me talk about how I went to the other guy’s place before I came to his place. He wouldn’t want to hear that the night I was moody and won’t let him touch me, when he though he did something wrong and kept trying to make it up to me was the night I cheated on him.

“It was a few weeks ago, sketchy on the date but we were not in a good place then… it meant nothing”

That wasn’t entirely a lie; more like a white lie since I only omitted a few things. We really weren’t in a good place as we were in a cycle of arguing and making up. I really don’t remember the date but I remember everything that happened that day and it was about 3-4 weeks ago…

He just said something. “That’s okay. I forgive you just don’t do it again”.

I got up from where I was seated, gave him a kiss and cuddled up to him.

“I’ll make it up to you. I’m sorry”

We went back to watching the movie but I am no longer interested in watching it but I smile and laugh when appropriate.

Where do we go from here?

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Challenges, General, Happyness, Personal, Women

8 Things Every Happy Woman Should Have

Dragging this out of my drafts…

Veering off my 100 things that make me happy because I saw this post on here that led me here.

A go-to drink.

White Wine

A go-to Karaoke song. 

my friend had karaoke for her birthday recently where I butchered L-O-V-E by Nat King Cole with my horrible voice that cannot carry a tune.
A uniform.

Tee + Denim is a staple

A hair stylist they love. 

I got to Curl Bar and I’ve had my hair done by all three women and I am in love. I am totally confident that I’ve found the one place I can go to and always leave satisfied with my wallet feeling lighter than I want as they’re worth it.
An exercise routine. 

I bike in the summer and I like to think that's the only form of exercise I can stand

I bike in the summer and I like to think that’s the only form of exercise I can stand

A hobby.  

I love taking pictures. I always strive to take pictures in manual mode

I love taking pictures. I always strive to take pictures in manual mode

 A best friend. 

I like to think the people I surround myself with are the best friends I could possibly have or wish for at the moment.
 A healthy sense of self.

I may be crazy but all the best people are

I try to remind myself to celebrate who I am daily which may explain why I would randomly burst into a dance at odd moments

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Personal

Off for a while…

Life gets… busy, complicated, noisy…

unplugI have a lot on my mind and on my plate now; constantly questioning myself thus I feel the need to air out my mind. I’ll be staying off all social networks except maybe Twitter (though I may let go of that as well). I will only be accessible via email or phone. I do not know how long this will last but I need my space.

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General

Weekly Cravings 14032k14

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My current bottle of Estee Lauder Sensuous Nude is almost empty

My eyes need glasses and I’ve had the prescription for a while now

I’ve have this book on my wishlist for a very long time

Mother Nature teased us with one day of spring weather and the next day we were back to Ice Age :( spring is actually my second favorite season after fall

Speaking of spring, I went window shopping on Sunday and decided I want this boots

P.S. Today is Pi day

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